Why Cupid Should Be Slapped
by Innocent.Love.09
Summary: "Men are from Mars, Girls are from Venus, but us? Oh buddy, we're from hell." My first story on here :3 SanzoXOC, HakkaiXOC. YanoeXOC. If you must review, please desmbowl me gently. Thank you :3
1. Chapter 1

Three Years Ago

If I had any choice in the matter, I would have said no. not that I don't like the life Nii-chan has created for me; we're no longer living on the street after all. But I don't like the consequences of those choices, the now warm feel of steel against my skin, along with the knowledge that at any moment a man or woman could and would make an attempt on my life, and that I would be forced to defend it with everything I am.

Kaemon nii-chan actually isn't in charge of _that _grand a scale yazkua company, within the Huroshi Family. He runs a slightly large trading city-Tusua- a port city on the coast of Shrangi-la only a few miles from Japan that welcomes any and all travelers...as long as they have money. Many of the peasants and lower middle class here try to get away from their rank in Tusua, because if there's one thing this city does, it reminds you of your place. All "poor" people (those unable to support themselves, a beast of burden, and their family which should include at least three children) are designed to wear dull, earthy colors and required to bow low before someone of higher status. While Kaemon and I are no longer poor, we still have to deal with the murmured death threats, the piercing glares of betrayal, and the malicious requests from the Huroshi family.

I gently pulled on the reins, causing my brown mare to slow to a stop. In front of me sat Kaemon on a gorgeous white stallion (supposedly imported from the far west, a place called Italy), mouth pressed into a firm, thin line. Our guards on horseback pushed the crowd aside, giving us at least four feet of leg room if we were to dismount. The foot guards likewise created a semi loose circle around us and our latest victim: Usagu Tamasine, the local proprietor of Usagu Sprits. According to the Huroshi family, one of their informants had caught the man skimming money from them and it was up to us to get it back.

Usagu-san caught my eye, dropping to his knees with a loud thud, throwing his head down onto the cobble stone streets: a dogeza. The ultimate form of a bow one could perform. "Have mercy on me Shinamori-domo," he cried, his pale form shivering in the loose fitting baby blue kimono he wore. "I had no choice!"

Kaemon sat up straighter in his sliver trimmed straddle, urging his stallion with his thighs to block Usagu-san's view of me before speaking. "Do not dare talk to my sister," Kaemon said, pronouncing each constant with a slight clip to his voice. He'd spent hours studying the way Western businessmen worked and sounded, in order to appear "cultured". Really, to me he sounded like a pompous ass.

"Kae-nii," I whispered, "maybe we shouldn't do this."

In response I got a backwards glance; the ever legendary Shinamori determination shining in his eyes. Kaemon was going to do anything to make the Huroshi family happy…right down to public executions. "Because of the crime appointed to you by the Huroshi Family, I, Shinamori Kaemon, hereby sentence you to death!" he raised one arm, the crimson silk sleeve of his new kimono slipping down his arm to reveal a pale arm. One foot guard, a heavily muscled man around the age of thirty if I had to guess, unsheathed his sword, stepping forward.

Murmurs of protest arose from the crowd; my mare neighed, shaking her mane before side stepping to the right a couple paces. She was nervous. So was I. I may not be the brightest lantern in a festival, but at least I know when killing people in public have finally gotten on people nervous. My throat felt dry, too dry.

"You can't kill that man!" one man called out.

"He was just trying to support himself!"

"Yeah! Yakuza scum!"

The people pressed forward, the guards struggling to keep them at bay, even with the use of their spears and swords. Many of the people drew their own weapons; daggers, homemade knifes, a couple rounding the corner of the street totted shotguns. Kaemon's stallion reared at the charging people, Usagu-san rolled away just as the stallion's black hooves came crashing down where he had once been kneeling. "Shit," He hissed and yanked the reins to the hard left. His horse responded dutifully, letting loose a flurry of vicious back kicks that could easily kill a man. One woman dressed in a dark brown, mud stained kimono, got hit in the face, and her neck making an audible snap as the hoof came in contact with it. "Akari! Run!"

"Yah!" It came out in a ragged gasp, my heart pounding wildly as I kicked my mare with my heels. She tore through the crowd after my brother, people scurrying to get out of the way. One man wasn't fast enough and fell under her hoofs, the audible sound of bone cracking and blood splattering everywhere ringing loudly in my ears.

"Get the bitch!"

"Kill her!"

A dirt encrusted hand shot out of the crowd, grabbing my mare's reins so that she spun around in a forty-five degree angle, trying to back up. The owner of the hand was a middle aged man- someone's father probably- staring up at me with dull brown eyes. "We can use her as a randsom," He yelled, his voice booming over the bloodthirsty crowd.

_This is for your own safety Akari. This gun is only to be used in the direst of emergences._

_But how do you use it?_

_Take off the safety, this lever here, aim, and pull the trigger._

I threw the reins in his face, my hands flying into my obi to pull out my gun. The lever flew back. I aimed it point blank at the man's face, and pulled the trigger. He dropped to the ground, blood flying everywhere; my clothes, the mare, the people around us, me. People screamed, my mare reared and instinctively my numb arms threw themselves around her thick neck as she tore off down the street, this time no one grabbing the reins. His blood felt sticky on my skin: dirty. My hair flew into my eyes but we didn't crash. Just because I was blinded by my own tears and hair doesn't mean my horse was.

Where was Kaemon? Surely he would have turned around once he noticed I wasn't behind him. Kaemon would never have allowed me to kill someone. He always tried his best to shield me from the life of the yakuza. So where was he? "Nii-chan," I whimpered, burying my face into my mare's billowing mane. "Oh dear God…what's going to happen now?"


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Saiyuki or any of it's charaters. I own my own, my friend Kyo chan owns Satomi, and I own Kaemon and Akari XD. Thanks! Also, the second part will be told in Satomi's view.

"Thank you so much Akari-san," Fuyushi-san said with a low bow, her graying black hair tied back in a low ponytail with a peaice of fraying twine. "Thank you so much for helping me with the firewood."

I grinned, winking at the smaller woman. "No thank _you _for those delicious egg rolls mam," I purred, my glasses sliding down my nose. I couldn't push them back up; not without dropping the armload of firewood I'd chopped for her, so I just had to settle with looking at her blurry, slightly roundish form. "I haven't eaten that good in quite a while."

I heard a murmur of happiness as I turned around, my sandaled feet finding purchase on the thick grass as I walked towards the shed. Fuyushi-san followed me, plodding along with the small bucket of water she'd drawn from the well. It was the only thing I'd allow her to do. I can be a bitch sometimes, sure, but no way in hell would I allow an old woman to carry something that would break her back. Though my own back was starting to moan in pain from all the work I was doing for her; cooking, repairing her thatched roof, chopping firewood for the up -coming winter, and making sure I didn't eat her out of house and home.

I deposited the stack of logs outside the shed door, pushing up my glasses with a finger. Fuyushi-san bent over, her knees shaking slightly from the weight as she placed the bucket beside the pile. She looked up at me with tired, happy dark brown eyes. "You're such a godsend Akari-san," she whispered, bowing once more. "Can't you stay a little longer?"

I'd love too. I really would. Fuyushi-san has an almost grandmotherly way about her; she's kind and radiates an aura of warmth…something I haven't felt in a long time. I sighed. "I would love to Fuyush-"

"-Please Akari-san! Chika! Call me Chika-san!"

I smiled. "Fine. _Chika_-san. But I'm on a mission right now. I'm looking for my brother. He's about yea tall," I chirped throwing my hand as high as I could over my head, "and likes to immatade western lifestyles. He's got dark brown eyes, black hair that's usually greased back. If it's not greased back it looks like a duck butt.

"He likes the finer things in life, including women. He also has a slight western accent and a ton of angry yazkua after him. I'm trying to find him before he gets himself killed. Have you seen him?"

Fuyushi-san blinked owlishly for a few moments before smiling, the creases at the corners of her eyes increasing. "I have no idea what you're talking about Akari-san." I almost fell over. "But," Fuyushi-san continued softly, "I do know you are one of the kindest people I have ever met Akari-san. I don't have a lot….my sons are dead…but I-"

Quickly I shook my head. "No, no, I don't want anything," I replied, waving my hands calmly.

-"a few yen."

"Ok it's a deal." I'm always in need of money and stealing can only get me so far. Or well…that's what I'd like to tell myself. Really I'm just very greedy when it comes to the ever holy moolah. She nodded, plodding herself towards her hut. I followed behind at a respectful pace; no need to hover over her shoulder at every breath. Inside it was almost as bare as it was outside. Only a couple of faded pictures of young kids, her sons, smiling at us, a cooking pot next to our bed rolls and my patched sack. She wobbled a little as she bent over, plucking from the dirt a small beige bag. From inside I could hear the ever happy song of a few yen clinking together.

I plucked the bag out of her hand and dug out one yen, leaving her the rest. I bowed low, holding out her pack with the remaining yen nestled inside. "Aren't you going to take more?" Fuyushi-san protested.

"No mam…one yen is enough," I replied back, my head still lowered respectively as I felt the weight of the bag disappear. I straightened up; giving her one of the biggest smiles I could muster. She didn't reply anything back to me, merely smile and nod while I got to packing. Which is good in a sense. It's always harder to say good bye when the person you leave is so sweet.

I left when she took her daily nap, only looking back once, when her hut was a mere dot on the horizon. Ever since that day three years ago, I've been on the move. Call me foolish, call me stubborn, and call me anything one will, but I will never give up looking for my brother. In the three years I'd spent searching for him in the northeastern corner of Shangri-la the most important thing that had happened (other than the discarded dead ends of my brother's whereabouts) was the youkai going berserk. _That _was fun to deal with. Especially when even now, I still can't hit the broadside of a damn cliff without the strong possibility of taking out my own foot.

I began to whistle, my held high as I walked onward, into the unknown.

I had been _trying _to get some well deserved sleep when I saw her: a human girl with a bounce in her step, whistling happily with a throw down sack over her shoulder. She was a foregoer obviously; her skin had a dark tone to it, and thanks to my enhanced vision I could see just how callus her hands and how frayed her sandals were. This girl had done a lot of traveling. Like me. And she barely looked old enough to be alone in the woods.

Normally I would have left her alone. I leave all humans alone now, especially since the Minus Wave three years ago occurred. It's best to let the humans drown in their own filth of sex, lies, murder. But that whistling! My God it was cheery! I resisted the urge to leap out of my tree and whack the girl across the throat, instead opting for the silent reaction of digging my long fingernails into the bark of the tree.

She stopped, swinging her pack over and rapidly digging in it, the tune never faltering. Finding a black tie, she pulled back her light brown hair into a ponytail, pushed up her glasses, threw her bag over her shoulder again, and continued on her merry way. "I should camp here," she crowed, looking around.

"God no! Just leave already!" I yelled, almost falling out of safe tree. Stupid! I try to avoid her and I yell? She blinked owlishly but made no move.

"Ello?"

Well…I might as well go to her. Maybe my appearance will frighten her off and I can sleep in peace. I leapt to the ground, landing with silent grace that would make a tiger proud before I sashayed over to her. She had pretty eyes behind those slightly crooked glasses-a dark shade of hazel- that widened as she saw me. "You….you're a youkai," she said, cocking her head to one side.

"Yes."

"A _girl _youkai."

What is this, Twenty Questions? "…._Yes_…"

Her face lit up. "And you're not insane! Finally I can have some girl conversation and not worry about having my throat ripped out! Come, come! Let's camp together!"

I almost fell over from the audacity of this girl. This girl ….she's insane… "Are you not going to _run _from me?"

"Why? Oh! I'm Akari by the way!"

"Satomi…" I should have whacked her in the throat.


	3. Chapter 3

I've been travelling by myself for so long, avoiding heavily populated areas that it was awesome to finally talk to someone who was closer to my age group…no offense to Fuyushi-san. The meadow we were at seemed good enough for me so I plopped down into the ground, flattening the grass with my butt. "I don't have a lot of food," I chirped, opening my bag. My gun was inside (empty of course…not even I'm that much of an idiot to keep it loose and loaded), next to the work clothes I'd stolen from a rice farmer (I gave him a handmade rice ball so it should be evened out), and the red liquored box. I pulled it out, silver swirls on it causing the box to sparkle as the sun shone. This box was one the only thing I'd had left of Tusua…well…that and my memories.

Her eyes widened as she took hold of it but she said nothing; merely watch me as I opened it, shoving aside bullets, my small mound of yen, and pulled out two small rice balls wrapped in wax paper. She pointed one elegantly long, pale finger at my food. "You stored it with your ammunition?" I could hear the incredulity within her voice.

"Y-yeah. But it's wrapped in wax paper so it shouldn't be too bad!"

"That's just unsanitary."

I snapped my box shut, placing it back inside my pack for giggling evilly. "That just means more for me," I chirped, peeling off the soft wax paper of the first rice ball. Satomi-san-chan snatched it out of my hand before I could munch it down in gulp.

"I didn't say I didn't want it," she snapped. "It appears normal." She paused, viewing it from all sides. "Did you make this?" I nodded. She sniffed it before taking a small bite, munching slowly. I leaned forward, waiting happily for her response. When one travels on the road one better know how to make twigs taste good after all. And I don't mean to brag but I've been trying to teach myself how to cook for the past three years!

Her face turned about three shades of blue before she spit out the crumby remains. "That tasted like shit! Was that shit?" She brushed a lock of black hair behind her ear, the light playing off an unusual red shine to it, and rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand.

"….It was rice…"

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I refused to eat anything else that insane little human girl made! Rather, I let her munch away, since the poor child seemed to be born without taste buds. Her box obviously signified that at one point she had come from money…_real money_. It made my fingers just twitch thinking about it. I could easily steal from this girl. But that would go against my three rules here in my domain: 1. Do not provoke any human or youkai into a fight (something this human would surely do if I so much as dared touch her little bag), 2. No killing, and 3. Absoutlutly no killing. Considering many humans in the outskirts of this forest consider it haunted, that's not a problem.

"Michi-san-chan would have a felid day with you," I whispered, glancing over at the sleeping girl. Admittedly…this girl was fun to be with. She made me smile, a very hard feat for a human (or to be truthful…anyone…) that only Michiko herself has been able to do. In response Akari yawned and rolled over, curling into a small ball.

I heard it then, a soft, throaty hum of a machine; a vehicle most likely, about two miles to our left, slowing down. They were going to camp for the night too. And Michiko had wanted to portal that section of the forest later tonight. And there's no telling what the occupants of that vehicle have in mind.

I leapt to my feet, my whip jangling ever loudly to my ears at my sudden movement. Akari didn't stir. Thank god she was a heavy sleeper. I tore off at the sound of the dying vehicle, my sense of hearing and eyesight finally tuned now on my prey, my heart pumping wildly in my rib cage. Birds squawked at my gliding presence, deer and squirrel ran as I made no move to conceal myself from any_ animal_ predator. My main goal was protecting Michiko at any cost.

I skidded to a stop, body tense, hair falling into my eyes. I could see them now; four men, all invariably good looking, or at least, the youngest one was cute. But drooling over human was not something I'm going to do right now. What I am going to do is slit that red haired man's throat who was laughing. Michiko was in front of them, an arrow drawn, pointed at them.

"Get out of here!" she yelled her voice sounding squeaky with fear even to my own ears.

"We're not going to hurt you kid," the red haired man said, scratching his head. "We just want get through already."

Michiko raised her chin, and I could feel the hatred pour out from her steely green gaze. I'd taught that little girl way too damn much. My hand strayed to my iron whip, unhooking it from my belt as lightly as I could. "You're not gettin' past me! Just turn back now!"

"Tch. This is a waste of time," one man said and dug into his beige robes. Judging by his clothing I'd have to say he was a priest, but judging by what he pulled _out _of his clothing…this man was no damn priest. He fired a shot at Michiko; whether it was to maim or kill I'll never know. I reacted on instinct; my whip flew out, the steel bladed links knocking the bullet off its deadly course as the tip flew into a trunk of an oak tree, a few feet from the blonde haired man who had fired his gun.

"You _will not _harm her," I growled deep in my chest. "Or I will kill you human scum."

"Human scum'…but she's a human," the red haired man said incredously and then I saw his eyes. This wasn't a man…this was a hanyou…a half-breed. An outcast. I flicked my wrist, the whip popping out of the tree as it wound itself around my armguard.

"No shit Sherlock," I replied, watching the blonde haired man all the while. Watching them all. I was not about to be taken by surprise. "Michi! Come here _now_."

Michiko shot them one long, last look before she leapt in the shadows, myself following her suit, just as the bullets came whizzing past. They threw the first stone…they would pa-

"_Sai-chan! Where are you?"_

There could only be one owner of that voice. Akari. I could hear her come tramping through the underbrush at breakneck speed, hollering as loud as she could: "_Sai-chan! Sai-chan where are you?"_

Damn it! she was going to run right into them! _"Akari freeze!" _I screamed, just as a gunshot filled the air, chilling my blood. Had she been shot?

"Hey….you almost shot me! You asshole!"


	4. Chapter 4

When I woke up I saw nothing, merely a blur of motion running from me. And that's why I took off: Satomi-san was running. I grabbed my bag, running headlong after her retreating figure. For a moment I thought I had heard gunshots, along with sharp commands; my heart thudded wildly in my chest. Satomi-san was shot! She was lying in a pool of her own blood, staring up at the night sky! And what was I doing? Snoring like a dumb ass donkey in my sleep!

That was really why I ran headlong into the thick underbrush; wild fantasies of Satomi's lifeless body on the grass, turning the vibrant green bright red. And the only reason I avoided having a bullet in my gut is because I fell flat on my face due to a tree root. The bullet whizzed by me, skimming my cheek so I had a nice diagonal red line from the side going up to my ear, and my knees stun like hell as I glared up at the four men before me.

The asshole that shot me was about 5'10' if I had to guess; dark amethyst eyes and pale skin. He wore the garb of a powerful monk but if my memory serves me correct, there is no good-looking, smoking, gun toting monk. They're supposed to be old, wrinkly, and bald. The other three were also pretty unusual for the area: the shortest guy (maybe 5'4') had the coolest golden diadem on his head! I could make a lot of money on that if I stole it! The diadem owner's eyes though were…weird... golden. The long red haired chain smoker in the back of the strange, expensive Jeep was trying (and failing) to hold back a snort. The man in the driver's seat; the one giving me the raised eyebrow with a smile plastered on it, said nothing. Just as well as I was glaring at the monk with the gun. "You didn't have to shoot me," I replied stiffly standing up. My knees popped; a quick glance down old me I had skinned the holy poo out of them, blood trickling down my legs.

"Hn."

"Hn?' That's all you have to say is 'hn'? You can't apologize?"

"She's got a point Sanzo," the strange, golden eyed one chirped and then flashed me a smile. "Hi! I'm Son Goku!"

Gold Boy actually seemed nice. I returned his smile with a wide one of my own, straightening my glasses so I could see him better. "I'm Shinamori Akari!" I chirped back just as pleasantly. "I don't suppose any of you have seen Sai-chan?"

The boy-Goku- cocked his head to one side in a birdlike fashion. "Is Sai-chan the pissy youkai that smells like peaches?"

The red head snorted, taking a drag on his cigarette. "Peaches? Well she does have a nice set of headlights," he said, the smoke curling out of his nostrils. "You don't look too bad yourself but you're probably jailbait."

"…I'm twenty…"

The ebony haired, monocle wearing man laughed. "Very nice Gojyo. Judging by her peeved expression I'm sure she's going to smother you in your sleep." He opened the door, walking over to me. "I'm sorry he almost shot you Shinamori-san," he said with a slight bow as he stood in front of me. "Do you mind if I heal your injuries?"

He was offering to help me? How sweet! But there was something wrong with this perfect gentleman and it wasn't the fact that he could be a serial killer with his "perfect" aura. He looked professional. Doctor maybe? Which begs the question that any money conscience person will ask: "How much will it cost?"

Michiko looked up at me with her wide green eyes, an expression of utter confusion on her face. "Why is that human girl calling you 'Sai-chan'?" she whispered.

I paused before replying. The monk was still watching for us; his stiff body posture, the thunderous sound of his heartbeat. And there was the fact Akari was there with four strange men. Not even _I'm_ that cold blooded to leave her alone.

I licked my lips, praying that the thick shrubbery we were hiding under wouldn't give us away when we'd move. "I found her traveling through the forest. You'd like her Michiko-chan. Nice, money obsessed, and stupid."

Michiko looked up at me for a moment, my words clicking inside her head. "So…," she paused, tilting her head to one side, "she'll help me learn how to fly?"

"She'll probably help push you out the tree." _With the right fee_ I mentally added as a huge smile broke out on my younger human charge's face.

"We should go save her!" she whispered urgently.

I cast a look at her: the good looking man with the monocle was healing her with some strange light. The youngest one seemed friendly as did the healer. I couldn't say as much for the red haired man or that bastard monk. If I let them go I'd be breaking one of myself imposed rules. If I let them go, I could never forget how the monk had come so close to killing Michiko…it made my blood boil.

But looking now at Michikio's adoring face…I couldn't do this. I could not and would not risk it. "Let's not Michi-chan," I whispered lovingly back, patting her head. "We can watch them from a distance. First we have to go away."

I could tell she didn't want too. Personally I wanted to kick that monk's sorry, unholy, ass into the next century but that wouldn't be wise. We left them for the night, if only for our own safety. The sound of bullets zipping over our heads told me all I needed to know: the monk _would _kill us on sight.

I grabbed Michiko by her wrist, yanking her to right as we ducked under a low lying tree branch. Peaices of bark rained down on us as the bullets slammed into the trees.

"Hey don't shoot at Sai-chan!" Akari. A smirk passed over my lips. Dumb idiot.

"Now now, don't jump in the way of the bullets Shinamori-san."


End file.
